'Hit the partner - get automatic divorce': how to defeat family violence
A normal family future should be based on the guarantees of feelings, not on the status.
The topic of family aggression, traditional for our country, has received a new breath during quarantine: reports of an increase in cases of violence among self-isolated Russians far exceed the usual level. Publicist Alexander Hotz analyzed this situation on his blog:
“They say that in isolation the statistics of domestic violence jumped sharply, and not only in Russia. The family where someone is beaten is a mystery to me. I can imagine cohabitation without love, but a family with a scuffle is some kind of sur.
Only Lazy didn’t go around Regina Todorenko (a famous TV presenter said a few days ago on her blog for a very specific reason that a woman who has been abused likes to be a victim. Later, Todorenko apologized for her words - ed.). In principle, it’s good that a person apologized because it’s ugly to kick victims of violence. Thank God that the topic of harassment finally reached Russia, albeit through Western trends like “me too”.
Todorenko faced a rebuff, which showed that we also have a request for personal dignity and the Western system of values. But, it seems to me, the question (albeit in a different wording) still remains: “What have you done so that you are not beaten?” It is not a question that you are “to blame” yourself, but that you could change that.
If “nowhere to go”, then this is a different story. But usually there is always a way out - you can go to your parents, to the country, to friends - for the duration of the divorce. Surely there are organizations providing temporary asylum. With children, of course, it’s more difficult, but divorce (in my naive opinion) should be the very first step - after the first blow. Until the second and third happened.
But if you do not file for a divorce, do not draw conclusions from the violence itself, if it becomes a system, then the question arises: “What have you done?”. Why could you leave but not leave?
The point is not in each specific case, but in something more general. Isolation and internal irritation of each other - reminded of family imperfection. Isn't it time to take a closer look at the “family code”? Maybe something to fix, as "in the conservatory"?
For example, enter the mandatory “marriage contract”, where the item will be: “Hit the partner - automatic divorce” (with the division of property according to a previously adopted scheme). In this case, a contract for marriage is required. Do you want to have a family? - Sign a series of obligations.
Often people live according to their social structure and “standard”, for a long time without mutual feelings, “for the sake of children” (and so on). Children grow up - and the circle of standard relationships is repeated indefinitely. If you want to endure, then this is a voluntary matter. But then the question of Todorenko arises.
As a rule, domestic violence is a system. The question was addressed to her. I repeat once again: if there is nowhere to go, then this is another topic. But it is unlikely that the sky will collapse if you file for divorce and go to the country to friends (at least in the form of “prevention”)?
The Russian family is an institution that is highly inscribed in tradition. Divorce can affect reputation, career, salary, and a woman who decides to leave willy-nilly solves not only the problem of violence, but also her social and material status.
Therefore, you have to make a choice at the value level. Patience and status “at all costs” - or dignity and challenge to the environment? It still seems to me that Todorenko had in mind precisely this, having found very unfortunate words for her thought. But the thought was right.
If for you the “social norm” is more important than personal dignity, then this is a person’s personal choice.
Perhaps these are “outsider thoughts”, which (understandably) have zero family experience (in the sense of formalized relationships). But I’m sure (for some reason) that at the very first blow the partner would fly to hell from my life.
Clearly, this is difficult to compare. The same-sex family format is less “bonded”. Out of love with each other - and goodbye. (The fact that the state does not stick its nose into personal life has its advantages).
It is better to run away if there are no mutual feelings. Let you have any number of civil marriages for love, than one “stable” and “to the grave”, but with irritation to each other.
There are no such statistics, but it seems that in “traditional” marriages the percentage of accumulated aggression should be higher than in same-sex unions. Because two men hold little together - besides feeling. In an ordinary family (as I understand it), aggression is caused not so much by the partner himself, but by the inability to break social obligations (status, reputation, credit, mortgage, children, registration).
If you dream, then a normal family future should consist in guarantees of feelings, not status. In changing the “family code” and state acumen. The state must guarantee (by subsidies, conditions, help) any love affair, and not just the one that it considers “to the grave” “socially valuable”.
Then you don’t have to accumulate aggression if you can’t leave. Quarrels of adults for children is a greater negative than the separate life of parents.
But where to find a state that cares more about the quality of your life and your feelings, rather than the family “nursery” for growing “human material” (including army material)?
The patriarchal family is “imprisoned” for patience (at best) and coercion (at worst). Remove the lack of freedom from the family - and there will be no room for aggression..."