Posted 16 апреля 2020,, 10:00

Published 16 апреля 2020,, 10:00

Modified 24 декабря 2022,, 22:36

Updated 24 декабря 2022,, 22:36

Have you tried it with a club? 20 tips for the Russian authorities on how to overcome the coronavirus

Have you tried it with a club? 20 tips for the Russian authorities on how to overcome the coronavirus

16 апреля 2020, 10:00
Since not a single measure taken by the Russian authorities has yielded tangible results, and the situation in the country is only getting worse, we can advise old tried and tested means.

Sarcastic advice on how to effectively defeat the epidemic was given to the to helpless, but at the same time radiating confidence Russian authorities by the network analyst Vadim Zhartun:

“The Russian state would easily defeat the coronavirus in the case several conditions are met.

  1. For example, it would be possible if the coronavirus could be walloped with a rubber baton and held in a special detention center for 15 days for an unauthorized mass rally.
  2. Or if it was distributed via the Internet and Roskomnadzor could block its distribution in the Russian Federation.
  3. And even if the development of the coronavirus was entrusted to Rusnano, the allocated money would simply be stolen, and instead of a coronavirus we would be presented with an innocuous Escherichia coli.
  4. Even the coronavirus would have been defeated if it had been in Syria and it could have been bombed with a cruise missile or frightened by the smoky sky Kouzey.
  5. It would seriously complicate the infection if the coronavirus were recognized by CCTV cameras and could be fined as soon as it was removed 100 m from the house.
  6. If the coronavirus was Orthodox, then prayers, religious processions and holy water would probably stop him.
  7. The oligarchs would help rid Russia of the coronavirus if the coronavirus could be stolen and taken offshore.
  8. If the coronavirus watched TV, then he would understand that he is just a miserable flu, and we have enough masks, mechanical ventilation and highly paid doctors, after which he would have gone into a bout of despair.
  9. The spread of coronavirus would be completely stopped if it needed to receive a QR code for each infection on a malfunctioning city hall website.
  10. If the coronavirus could be infected with the coronavirus, then after the lines to check the passes in the subway and kissing the relics in the churches, it would certainly get sick and die.
  11. If the coronavirus led the public VKontakte, then he could have been arrested for spreading fakes about himself, and at the same time to conduct searches of his relatives - bird and swine flu.
  12. If the coronavirus was a small business, it would be possible for it to declare a regime of self-isolation, prohibit work and wait until it goes bankrupt or dies of hunger.
  13. If the coronavirus was a FSB officer who fled to the UK, it would have been possible to send two oak mines to smear him with the Novice door knob.
  14. In case the coronavirus turned out to be a political party, it could be denied registration under far-fetched pretexts, and instead, harmless spoiler viruses should be registered: corovavirus, macaronavirus and Voronavirus.
  15. If the incubation period of the coronavirus corresponded to retirement age, then it would simply be raised so that no virus survives infection.
  16. If the incidence and mortality from coronavirus were determined not by the Ministry of Health, but by the CEC, then in all regions of the Russian Federation except Chechnya they would be zero. In Chechnya, after calculations, it would become clear that several people from the coronavirus even came to life.
  17. Unfortunately, VTsIOM would not have helped in the fight against coronavirus, but the results of the polls would have indicated that Putin’s rating is higher than that of coronavirus.
  18. If Bastrykin could consider the coronavirus in a magnifying glass, he would institute criminal proceedings against him, and the Basmanny court would arrest all accounts of the coronavirus in Sberbank.
  19. Coronavirus could be crushed by a bulldozer as an sanctioned product if it appeared not in fraternal China, but in Europe or the USA.
  20. And finally, if the coronavirus could read, an article could be added to the Constitution of the Russian Federation that would guarantee citizens the priority over it of traditional viruses - influenza, measles and chickenpox.

But insofar as all this has approximately the same relation to reality as the justice of Russian courts, the honesty of officials, the competence of the government, the concern of the State Duma for the people, the integrity of the police, the business instinct of billionaires and the election of the president, I’ll simply say: take care of yourself, more you have nothing to rely on.

Limit social ties, wash your hands, wear masks and gloves, disinfect phones, take care of yourself and your loved ones, be healthy! ”