Posted 4 августа 2020, 12:47
Published 4 августа 2020, 12:47
Modified 24 декабря 2022, 22:37
Updated 24 декабря 2022, 22:37
Psychoanalyst Zhanna Sergeyeva shared her thoughts on such an important element in human relationships as a way of parting:
“I watched the series“ This is Us ”and again got into a story-about-a-terrible-thing - parting by SMS. In the cinema, the one who was thrown is always very touched by the fact of a letter, an answering machine, an SMS, even a yellow sticker was once. That the coward (iha) who threw himself, did not dare to look in the eyes and endure tears and anger.
This is offensive. On the other hand, to listen to all this "it's not about you, it's about me", "you're very good, but", and then go home and cry at the cat or beat the refrigerator with your fists. Or listen to the message and do it right away? Without having to keep your face on the subway?
I had a pager breakup a long time ago. We talked later, but only later, when we were both calm.
But that is a pager, and now there are so many technical ways. If you have "zoomers" on hand, ask them if it is now customary to part in person, or it is no longer necessary.
Rarely does a human parting turn out. I remember a friend of mine called a girl to a restaurant, ordered her favorite food, brought flowers and said that everything. And at that moment she had no time for food and flowers, because it was sudden for her. Now, if everything goes to that, and both understand this, and both in principle agree, then you can eat, probably.
I think that in order to say goodbye, some preliminary inner work is needed. And / or good preparation for the conversation of the one who announces the breakup. This is not taught, unfortunately..."
This problem, as expected, affected many blog readers, who shared their attitude towards it:
- I never understood, what is this private conversation for. And why do you have to die in a cafe - and then it is believed that the throwing party abandoned you, observing the rules of decency -) I was told a couple of times in the restaurant that, Izya, this is the end. And you were feeling tied up and beaten at the moment. Because you sit behind some horseradish and keep your back straight, you smile at the waiter.
- In fact, I understand why this is happening, moreover, I think that, of course, you need to speak in the eyes, but not in a cafe-restaurant, but, for example, come to the house, not go up and say on the street. And it is desirable to leave immediately. Because if fate is to be a showdown, then they will. I'm talking about my reaction - I really don't like to mumble about all this. If not, then quickly no. And then sort it out, cry, drink, shout, break the dishes. But already when there is a solution, so to speak... That is why I always try (when I feel that something is wrong) just to start talking about it myself. And that intellectual snot, it's uncomfortable, I'll ruin her life so much, we have been together so much... And to wind nerves and guts on a fist, and spend vitality. This is already a trauma, so it is necessary to have the strength to live on and recover as quickly as possible...
- I had a breakup by e-mail. Getting a letter by mail is better than just disappearing and ignoring, but it does not give you the opportunity to ask a question, say something and say goodbye in person. It took a long time to do this symbolically and in therapy.
There was also a parting by SMS, there I already showed persistence and a conversation took place on the phone. Completion was much easier to experience, since it was the space for this, although it was won by me for myself.
She herself once wrote via SMS that I did not want to continue. But that was after the first meeting.
- I will be categorical. This is cowardice. In a positive reformulation - to take care of yourself, to protect yourself from awkwardness, unpredictable feelings and reactions. It was over the phone. A lot of anger. Two years are discounted.
- One respected (by me before) foreign citizen, who assured me of love and desire to spend the rest of his life with me, introduced to all his bourgeois relatives, left without any notification at all. Just after my next planned return to Moscow, I stopped answering calls and messages. Two months later, he manifested himself with likes on fb... Since then, we have been throwing meager congratulations and likes here. What happened in his head, I rather guess myself, but, sorry, I don’t excuse. An adult, more than an uncle. Love is love, but there is also a minimum responsibility of a person who respects the SELF.
- What difference does it make! If you have already decided to leave you (or you), what is there to additionally talk or find out - to persuade to stay, or what?
By the way, judging by some comments, it turned out that not only love affairs are solved on the Web, but also professional ones:
- I was somehow fired on icq. It was very unpleasant. The fired man sat two tables away from me.
- And they fired me by email. Moreover, the boss who was firing was sitting directly opposite me. I come like that, open the mail, and that's all there - we will have to part, nothing personal, you are beautiful, but someone needs to be cut ... And what is most piquant, that day was my birthday. And when all my colleagues gathered to congratulate me and handed the boss a bouquet so that he would raise and set the table, it was clear that the boss had completely forgotten about my DR and he was somewhat embarrassed to hand over the bouquet and sit at the festive table. And I sat and held my face, feigning fun, but the holiday was ruined.