Not to "treat" and not to have pity on: what non-binary people expect from the binary

Yulia Suntsova

Our interlocutor is 25 years old. He was born in a small town in the Volga region, received three higher educations, and now works for a human rights organization in Russia and the United States. Ilya cannot attribute himself to either men or women, or to any gender in general, he believes that his gender is absent as such.

“I’m an agender,” says Ilya. - I do not consider myself to be one of the sexes and I do not feel oneness with either men or women, I consider myself a separate, inherent gender only for me, and this has been so since childhood.

I have an uncharacteristic high voice and manner of speech for men, feminine appearance, long hair, androgynous face and style of dress. At the same time, I ask you to address yourself using the pronoun "he", and I have enough "masculine" character traits and hobbies.

This raises many problems. Most people constantly perceive me in a different way from how I perceive myself. Because of this, I feel like an impostor or a foreigner who constantly needs to talk to others in a foreign language.

My sense of male and female alienation has been with me since early childhood. I remember not understanding why I should like technique and disdaining men's suits for suffocating mediocrity. At the same time, I had no interest in women's clothing and cosmetics. This is also reflected in my perception of people around me, all my life I have been looking not at bodies, but at the personalities of people around me, and the personality for me has no gender connotation.

When it comes to self-expression, I often don’t feel like I’m dressed the way I would like to. I do not feel in my guise in strictly masculine clothes. The narrow choice of styles and colors annoys me here. It's the same with women's clothes - they are also not for me at all. Formless unisex also erases all individuality. For these reasons, for a long time, scarves and ties remained a means of at least some kind of self-expression. In recent years, colors, prints, patches, gloves, robes, chokers, rings, etc. have played such a role. Because of these elements of clothing, I am often confused with a girl. Recently at the airport they asked: "Girl, are you flying alone?" I was in a black coat, jeans, a tail, a mask, and two purple suitcases.

Work and career

I am a lawyer by education, I work in human rights protection. In our country, in this area, one does not often meet large groups; in such small communities, the attitude towards different genders is more respectful. He also worked abroad in large offices, but the people around were also understanding, there were no problems. Non-binarity, coupled with my other characteristics (I do not drink alcohol, vegan, etc.) are also usually noticed by other employees. Therefore, I try to work with progressive people, so that I am judged solely by my professionalism. Of course, in macho culture, for example, in some lawyers' teams, where they can go on some kind of fishing or football match with accompanying alcohol, I would definitely not fit in.

A family

Since childhood, some attributes that are traditionally attributed to the male gender are expected from you: you must be physically enduring, have "immunity" to pain, be athletic, sexually active, unemotional, etc. My mother reproached me for not giving back to the offenders , I just run home from street conflicts and also said that because of my appearance she was ashamed to go out with me. Until now, she literally asks me to hide my hair if I go somewhere with her. The male half of the family all the time tried to "make a man out of me" - my dad installed horizontal bars for me at home, my grandfather taught me how to shoot.

In adolescence, my relatives were sure that as a “real man ” I would definitely smoke, drink alcohol with colleagues and at family holidays, and love sports. The family tried to send me to the martial arts section to teach me how to fight. My grandfather constantly persuaded me to go fishing with him, to which I felt great disgust.

For some reason, the obligatory attribute of my future happiness for my parents has always been the set “car-apartment-wife”. "You need to buy a bed, you will soon be an adult, you will drive girls", "You need an apartment, a car." “You are already 25! Why do not you have a girlfriend? When will you Marry?".

My parents didn't like all my hobbies as a child. I tried to weave something out of beads, draw, I liked TV projects about stars and fashion, "Project Runway", for example. The usual reaction of parents was: “Only girls do / watch / listen”, “These are non-male hobbies”, “Why don't you go out to play football?”. All creative interests were rejected at the root, the professions of an artist or fashion designer that I liked were immediately rejected. I remember how, at the dawn of the Internet, I put a photo of Sergei Zverev on my vkontakte avatar (who is being promoted to parliament by the powerful political strategists in this campaign). My parents were furious. For them, this certainly meant that they had failed as parents - their son “likes a fagot”! ..

Well, and not without remarks to the appearance. I constantly hear from my grandmother that my hair and hairstyle are like a girl's; that if I don’t pump muscles, I won’t be able to marry. And I naturally have a minimum level of male hormones - because the muscles did not grow by themselves, and they will not pump up without these very hormones. My mother is sure that all my perfumes and rings are for women, although I buy them in the men's department. The closest relatives comment on my appearance with disdain, and this is very upsetting.

For my family, since they grew up and were brought up in other times, to think that one can live and be aware of oneself outside the binary system of gender is on the verge of superpower. My relatives try not to talk to me on these topics, and I have no particular desire to educate in this circle. Explaining to them the issues of non-binary gender, it seems to me, is as useless as higher mathematics to those who count on sticks.

When I first told my mother that I was an agender person, she panicked and offered to see a psychiatrist. For her, the fact that I do not consider myself a man, even if I am absolutely comfortable with it, is a mental defect, and she is sure that this is a disease that needs to be treated.

Health care

The healthcare system in Russia is not the place where you want to talk about your gender identity. I observed a different reaction from doctors, even when we just bumped into each other in the offices in silence. It would seem that these are people who have devoted themselves to the science of human nature, but this does not give immunity from transphobia. It is especially uncomfortable for urologists and andrologists, who are usually themselves always masculine doctors, who are used to working with the same gender-conforming patients. When you go to them with a medical card that says gender "M", strong emotions immediately appear on their faces - from pity to disgust.

Once I came to check my leg to a traumatologist, he was already an elderly man. At first, the doctor looked at me for a long time as the eighth wonder of the world, then he began to ask about my personal life, which has nothing to do with the injured ankle, and finally began to scream and threaten that he would call the police. I really don't understand what caused this aggression. Recently I went to a dermatologist to check a mole - he is such a short, pumped-up man. During the whole time of the reception, he never once looked into my face, at some point it seemed to me that he considered me or my body to be something so very scary ...

Even a seemingly “specialized” endocrinology doctor, sending me for tests, asked: “How are you so afraid of injections? You're a man!". You answer her that you don't feel like a man, and her eyes pop out of her sockets: "How is it that you don't feel like a man?" And for me this is the reality in which I have been living since childhood.

Society

Outside the family, almost from kindergarten, everyone also demands “to be a man”. At school, the OBZH teacher at the beginning of the lesson somehow discovered dirty footprints and made all the boys wash the floor, not figuring out who left these footprints. The presumption of guilt worked - boys are more unscrupulous than girls. That was probably the first time when I felt gender injustice very sharply.

As a teenager, my body began to change, it became even more pronounced androgynous. I was not accepted into any of the "clubs". The boys thought that I was gay and avoided me, the girls communicated with caution - they say, you still don't fully understand women's problems. Both groups broadcast a lot of stereotypes. My classmates seriously asked me the question: "When will you change your gender?" But I never wanted to go trans. For me personally, for example, the manifestations of my individuality in speech and clothing are quite enough.

At this age, communicating with males, I began to vaguely realize that they feel like adherents of some kind of speculative brotherhood with their own unwritten laws and by default you are obliged to participate in this. I was constantly tested for heterosexuality in order to give out "membership" in this male fraternity. For example, they constantly joked with me about the female breast. Friends at the university also urged in this direction: “Do you like this girl? Is there an erection on her? " For some reason, it was believed that I was worthy of communication only if I share their perception of women as an object of sexual lust. And the failure of these tests for them certainly meant my complete homosexuality and subsequent alienation.

As a non-binary person, you are more sensitive to these kinds of sexism. For example, I recently noticed that Pobeda Airlines, in audio announcements in a male voice, invites passengers to rate the "excellent forms" of flight attendants.

Because of stereotypes about female and male bodies from the moment of growing up to this day, it is very difficult for me in the space of public locker rooms and restrooms. You experience constant fear when you need to go to the men's department. In some countries this issue has been resolved. For example, in the United States, in many official institutions, from my university to the White House, as well as other institutions and restaurants, you can find All Gender Toilets (Toilets for all genders).

In other countries I also look for and go to such toilets, in Russia I am looking for family toilets or toilets for people with disabilities (if they are available). If they are not there, I go to the men's one, because I do not want to cause discomfort to women in a place that they used to consider safe. At the same time, for myself, visiting the men's room is always a great stress. For the same reason, many kinds of sports and activities, where there is changing clothes or a half-naked body (swimming pool, etc.), remain inaccessible to me today. On Russian beaches, I feel like an exhibit of the Kunstkamera, because everyone is looking at me.

Genital curiosity

In public places in Russia, you often come across the fact that people begin to panic when for a long time they cannot determine who you are - a guy or a girl. They often try to conduct frank dialogues with me about the body. I used to blush - I do not understand why I should discuss this with strangers? Each time it’s as if you suddenly found yourself at a sex therapist’s appointment, who announced an open day. When you say briefly: “I am an agender”, then a “holiday” generally begins - people believe that after this phrase they have the right to ask you about genitals, erection of internal organs, and sexual preferences. For example, the most krinjovy question that I happened to hear out of nowhere: "Will you go to the bathhouse with the men?"

And this is not only a Russian problem. The airport security personnel in one of the foreign countries could not cope with their genital curiosity. When I passed the control, for some reason I was asked about the field. After passing through the frames, I heard choking with joy: “I told you, it's a boy!”. This employee was so happy that she won an argument with her colleague. Why should strangers place bets on my gender, I don't understand.

Homophobia

Although gender identity is not directly related to sexual orientation, all stereotypes associated with sexuality are inevitably attracted to a non-binary person. Even if you are dressed in "men's" clothes, but you have a smooth gait, many people immediately write you down as homosexual and may shout the appropriate words in your back. Over the course of my life, I have heard countless such insults in my address. They try to attribute a certain orientation to you all the time, and not only heterosexuals, but also the LGBT + community. I am asexual at the same time, but this is another separate big topic ...

Another problem is social ostracism due to discrimination by association in collectives. For example, at school or university I might not have shaken hands when greeting. The four guys who come with you will be served, but you will not, because a certain status of an untouchable is assigned to you. In Russia, it is difficult for me to make friends with representatives of the male half of humanity, so almost all of my male friends are foreigners who do not have this identifying thinking: “I am my friends”, “Tell me who your friend is ...” .

Identity problems

This physiological dichotomy in me - appearance, voice, body movements - causes problems for people from government agencies, companies, and various kinds of services.

When talking on the phone with employees of banks, airlines, various departments, phrases have already become standard: "Hello, can Ilya Sergeevich be allowed?", "Are you his mother?" [son] year of birth? " I am mistaken for my own mother or for an old woman in voice interaction. I answer them that I am he himself Ilya Sergeevich, and I explain that it is just by nature that I have such a high voice. They do not seem to perceive this information and again ask Ilya Sergeevich to phone. Not hearing another Ilya Sergeevich, they take me for a fraud, block cards, accounts, etc. I am prevented from exercising my civil rights because of their prehistoric stereotypes about what speech and what voice a person named "Ilya" should have.

Once I needed to change the departure date. In a telephone conversation, Aeroflot's operator Daria asked for the booking number and the passenger's full name, which I immediately did. Daria says in a confident voice: "Identification failed. Pass the phone to the passenger, please." I say that her colleague already identified me an hour ago, to which Daria after that completely calmly continued asking me about the booking. There is an explosion in my head, but I have just been accused of stealing someone's identity with an iron tone. I really don't understand why, after realizing the mistake, you can't even just say, "Sorry."

Another communication with an employee of the Ministry of Health was strange. I needed to find out to whom the appeal was unsubscribed. In a conversation on the phone, after a while the interlocutor turns to shout, rejecting all my assurances that here I am - the author of the appeal. “What are you pretending? You are a woman! "

The same thing happens abroad. During one telephone conversation, it happens that I have to correct my interlocutor 3-4 times that I am not a “ma'am”.

Violence

I remember that on the train I somehow got into an unpleasant situation: in a narrow aisle of a compartment car I collided with a drunk man, he eventually squeezed me with his body and did not let me pass until I answered his question: "Are you a boy or a girl?" The passengers who watched the conflict were only silent and looked askance.

Gait, face, appearance constantly send signals to others. Inevitably, you become the object of attention of various gopniks, they always want to provoke you - a classic of the genre: "Is there a cigarette?" You will be surprised, but even elementary school students approached me, an adult, with this question. They are interested in bringing up a dialogue to see what kind of character I am.

Once in a cafe, a man approached the table where I was sitting with a friend and said loudly: “I don’t want my children to see people like you.”

Situations on the verge of beatings often arose. At school and university, periodic trips, shocks, threats and spitting in the back were commonplace.

As an adult, I once came to my town to congratulate my mother on March 8th. Stood at a bus stop waiting for a minibus. Three gopniks approached me: "Let's go and talk." I think the main reason they didn't like me was the bright yellow scarf. The rest of the clothes were completely black, male. On that day, my long hair was gathered under a hat and not visible. In my hometown, I do not go with my hair loose, because it is dangerous, in other countries there are no problems with this at all. I don't know, however, how it works in their head, apparently something like this: a person who claims to be a man cannot have bright elements of clothing. I saved myself with the phrase: "I am a visitor."

Appeal

I am terribly annoyed when purely masculine addresses are applied to me, both in Russia and in other countries. "Boy", "boy", "man", "dude", "brother", in English it is "man", "bro", "guy", "dude", in collective references too. Whether I refer to a man, a woman, or something I am not in both cases, disgusts me on a physical level. After all, you share very personal information with people, you say: "I am an agender", and when they do not take it seriously, they continue to call you "boy" or "guy", it becomes sad: people are more important than their opinion of you, not yourself ... Collective appeals, like "Ladies and Gentlemen", also annoy me, because I am not in this coordinate system either.

Every time this happens, I feel an inner protest, especially when addressing "boy" - by doing so, it is as if a code of honor is being imposed on me, which I have never taken upon myself. Even shaking hands is a symbol of masculinity for me, which I would not want to apply to myself. For me, this is a ritual, the meaning of which is not available to me. For a while I simply did not shake hands, then I found myself shaking it unconsciously to everyone - both men and women. The latter were offended because they considered it a deliberate mockery - as if in this way deliberately, with a challenge, I demonstrate: "you are unfeminine." But for me this is again my routine and my reality - I really do not look or perceive people through their gender.

Problems are added by my name - Ilya. Abroad, this name is often perceived as feminine, since it does not sound like a strictly masculine spirit, such as Vladimir or Adam. Sometimes they call me Julia, Leah or Oia because they misread my Latin name (Ilia).

My position on the use of pronouns in relation to non-binary people is philosophical. Pronouns for me are least of all imposed by gender, because pronouns are more associated with linguistic gender, with simple prescriptions of literary norms. If, for example, “lawyer” is grammatically “he”, then if I admit that I am a lawyer or, say, a Russian, grammatically I am also “he”.

Solution of problems

Why are big cities more tolerant of different people? Residents there are constantly washed by a stream of representatives of various religions, nationalities, races, subcultures, etc. The more often we meet around us people who are different from ourselves, the more we become tolerant of differences. The solution to many of the problems of non-binary people is to increase their visibility in society.

In my opinion, you need to work with the media and with the correct presentation of people like me. Today, non-binary people appear exclusively on talk shows as some kind of exotic, or even as characters that need to be "remade". They don't call on federal channels, they don't shoot in TV shows without ironic overtones. Instead, what is needed is sincere interest, the usual questions about how we live and what problems need to be addressed. This is already gradually happening with homosexual people, but even then they are still portrayed with a kind of narrative of pity. What is needed is not pity, but ordinary human respect. Personally, I do not consider myself to be deprived of something.

In addition to objective information in the media, education in universities is important (at least in the format of an introduction to the topic), in all public institutions - there is something to explain, for example, to police officers, doctors, teachers. Professionals who constantly interact with people need to be trained in an inclusive way. Knowing how to work with people of different genders is tantamount to knowing how to work with people of different faiths, people with different physical and mental disabilities.

The ideal future for me is security and diversity regardless of your gender, just like security regardless of eye color.