To leave in sorrow and sadness: the number of divorces have dramatically increased during the pandemic and lockdowns

Irina Mishina

According to statistics, every second marriage in Russia ends in divorce. On the one hand, experts consider this a good sign: in prosperous countries there is no economic dependence of spouses on each other. The list of "comrades in misfortune" includes the USA, Sweden, Estonia, Belgium and a number of other prosperous countries. The number of divorces there is comparable to the Russian one or slightly lower.

Interestingly, with the growth in the number of divorces in Russia, the percentage of compensation for divorces is growing. This means that more and more people who, having dissolved their marriage, then enter into a second union. For men, this indicator in Russia is close to 90 percent: almost all divorced representatives of the stronger sex remarry. The percentage of women who remarry after divorce is approximately 70%.

Rosstat connects the increase in the number of divorces on self-isolation and remote work. So, in June 2020, after a period of self-isolation, a jump in the number of divorces was registered: there were 2.5 times more than in May of the same year.

“After being with each other for a month every day, many couples discovered each other not from the best sides. Some spouses realized that they could not live with each other. In these cases, an understanding often comes: “The wrong person was chosen!”, - says psychologist Alexander Yaroshevsky.

“Indeed, in those countries where the lockdown was introduced, after its end or weakening, there was an increase in divorce. When the whole family is forced to be together for a long time, it annoys many. The care of children, which was partly undertaken by educational institutions, fell entirely on the parents. Household duties, which in normal times are partially performed by the urban infrastructure (where you can eat, but not wash the dishes after yourself), had to be carried out independently. The tightness of a typical urban dwelling, imperceptible at ordinary times, when they only sleep in it, moved closer with all its suffocating weight. Of course, this situation of lasting discomfort for someone turned into unbearable stress, they wanted to get rid of a partner, a family and the responsibilities associated with it”, - political scientist Yekaterina Shulman believes.

Paradoxically, a very large number of divorces occur in Russia during the illness of someone close. On social networks, you can find many stories about how one of the family members, upon learning about the infection of a spouse or spouse, gave up everything and moved to live somewhere else.

“At the beginning of the week I fell ill with the coronavirus... Two of our young children became infected from me, and they passed away easily. At this time, the husband spent his last days in the hospital (there was a minor operation). When I was terribly bad in the first days, I had to cope with the children myself, although there were moments when I didn't have the strength to lift my hand out of bed (this is the first time in my life). And there was fear, if suddenly the condition worsened, and I was alone with the children, what would I do? On the first day of my illness, my husband was still in the hospital (although he was discharged, he COULD LEAVE HOME), on the second day he went to live with relatives so as not to get infected. My relatives bring food outside my door. The husband passed the covid test - negative. Locked up in a stuffy apartment, we go crazy with the kids. Now I feel better, but I still have a big grudge against my husband that he left me alone at such a difficult moment”, - a woman who has had a coronavirus writes on Woman.ru.

“The pandemic requires people to pay more attention to their loved ones, but people react in different ways and sometimes become irreconcilable. There are times when people just behave ugly during the illness of their loved ones. It happens that a husband moves during his wife's illness to a friend, it happens that a sick person is forced to move to relatives. It is at such moments that one of the spouses understands that he is living with the wrong person”, - says psychologist Anetta Orlova.

Recent divorces have revealed another interesting trend: in most cases, the initiator of the separation is a woman. The reason is that a man, once at home, on the couch, ceases to be a breadwinner, he and his wife become equal in rights and opportunities - with the difference that in addition to work, the woman has all the household responsibilities plus the “remote control” of children.

According to psychologists, another circumstance also played a role: women usually adapt faster to new conditions, they find it easier to work in conditions of performing several tasks. In addition, for most of them, the situation has not changed much: the house, the children - the main thing has remained the same. For men, the situation is more complicated. Decrease in the status of “breadwinner” or its loss often leads to a decrease in self-esteem and, as a consequence, to the idea that it is impossible to live in a family.

Interestingly, the splash in divorce did not affect all Russian regions. Moscow is in the 15th place in the rating of broken hearts, the number of those wishing to get a divorce has increased by 63%. But most of the divorces, oddly enough, fell on the Caucasian republics: in Ingushetia there were 3.5 times more divorced couples, in Chechnya - 2.7 times, in Dagestan - 2.1 times, in Karachay-Cherkessia and in North Ossetia - 2 times. Why do they get divorced in some regions, while in others they live peacefully and happily?

“The growth in the number of divorces mainly concerns Central Russia, regions with low birth rates. Poor regions also have higher divorce rates. They get divorced more often where there is nothing to live on and where fewer children are born, as well as where there are fewer young women”, - political analyst Yekaterina Shulman believes.

For many, the increase in the number of divorces in the Caucasian republics, which have always been distinguished by the traditional way of the family, came as a surprise. However, sociologists believe that modern youth in the Caucasian republics no longer live in harmony with traditions.

“The fact that the traditional way of family prevails in the Caucasus is, of course, a myth. The fact that traditional norms are declared in these territories does not mean at all that they are observed there. There are exactly the same families, which are affected in the same way by the remote work of parents and the study of children. In the same way, conflicts are provoked in connection with a change in a stable lifestyle, ”says medical psychologist, forensic psychologist Oleg Dolgitsky.

Of course, in addition to social and economic reasons, every divorce always has purely personal reasons. But some of these personal reasons turned out to be typical of the “gadget generation” - young people who often start building relationships on social networks and cannot find the right model of behavior in real life.

“During the first two years of marriage, about 30-35% get divorced. The reasons are mainly psychological and they are connected with the fact that people do not know how to build relationships. Virtual communication in gadgets and social networks has nothing to do with real life. Such people are often not prepared for family life. As a result, in any difficult situation - stress, persistent resentment. Children and youth should be taught to communicate, to build interpersonal relationships. By the way, this also becomes the reason that young people of 17-20 years old find it difficult to find work. They cannot productively build their relationship with the employer, they cannot assess themselves critically, they are unable to understand others", - says psychologist Alexander Yaroshevsky.

The pandemic, apparently, came to us for a long time along with the "remote" and the threat of a lockdown. Does this mean that the divorce rate will continue to grow? Experts believe that everything depends on ourselves.

“We need to learn to live in a remote work environment. "Remote" is beneficial to the employer, safer in a pandemic. Therefore, we all must reconsider our views on family life, reconsider our way of life, learn to use the "family wallet", and live in conditions of savings. If all these difficulties are overcome, the family will become stronger. Communication with friends, trips, meetings with relatives, general hobbies can facilitate this period. This period will be like a litmus: if the family is real and was not created by chance, people will stay together”, - says psychologist Alexander Yaroshevsky.

“We need to think more about the present. Lately, people have been too self-absorbed. Nowadays, self-centeredness breeds people. It's a different time, selfishness no longer helps, on the contrary, it destroys”, - says psychologist Anetta Orlova.

The changes that have taken place in the world and in the family cannot yet be fully appreciated. But it is obvious that people do not create families and do not give birth to children during periods of economic crisis, instability and uncertainty. According to sociologists, the marriage crisis will continue until the end of the pandemic. Only the strongest families will survive.