The darkest hour is before the dawn. Why don't I emigrate

Lida Moniava, Deputy Director of the Children's Hospice "House with a Lighthouse"

I want to share my thoughts about emigration.

I have always been 100% sure that this is not for me. Until the last elections in Belarus, when some people fled the country, and some were detained, tortured, arrested. I began to constantly think about it, what would I choose in this situation. I watched documentaries about people who left Belarus and the Russian Federation, read posts and articles on this topic. I thought about which country I could / would like to go to.

Then a new stage began for me - I really wanted to hear why people decide to stay, despite the repressions? There was a feeling that this choice was closer to me, but I had not a single argument in its favor. I wanted to find these arguments for myself. Once, Kolya and I came to the theater for a concert, during the intermission I met acquaintances from Minsk who participated in the resistance, were subjected to repression, but did not leave. I clung like a bath leaf and asked why they made such a choice. This conversation helped me a lot.

Then at the beginning of this year there were two more important conversations for me. I asked a person whom I respect very much about a psychological consultation on the choice - to leave or stay. And I asked a friend with whom I rarely communicate, but whose opinion is important to me, to meet to answer questions about why he stays. Basically, all the arguments of the people with whom I spoke were more of a religious nature - it makes sense to be a witness to events.

Now, when a bunch of people around were hastily making this decision, to leave or stay, it helped me a lot that I thought about it all 2021. And now I have no questions inside and no doubts. On the contrary, the further events develop, the more people leave, the stronger the repression, the stronger I feel confident that I will not go anywhere. For me personally, it makes a lot of sense to stay in Russia. Not even in the context of my responsibility to the hospice, patients and hospice staff, but just for me personally.

Finally formulated this personal meaning - "the darkest hour is before the dawn". Witnesses of the dark times, it seems to me, have a great chance of becoming witnesses of a miracle. I don't want to miss everything.

"Emptiness. But at the thought of it

you suddenly see a light from nowhere.

If Herod knew that the stronger he is,

the more true, the inevitable is miracle.

The constancy of such relationship -

is the basic mechanism of Christmas".

Joseph Brodsky