Press pause... How a special operation changes people's relationships with each other

Ivan Zubkov

It is no secret to anyone that Russian society today is in a process that can be called a “half-life”, when, due to the attitude to what is happening, not only acquaintances, but also close friends and even relatives break ties with each other. This painful process, as well as ways to alleviate it, is described in her blog by psychologist Yekaerina Antoropova:

"The current situation has given internal permission to break some ties with people, and this break has been a relief. The reasons for the breakup are often manifested as: "CBO showed that we are too different in the area of ​​values, so we need to say goodbye".

But this is only part of the truth.

The second part, if voiced, may sound like this: "Because I do not have the strength to maintain or repair an obsolete connection".

Or like this: “To be honest, there was something wrong between us for a long time, and it upset me, discouraged me, and angered me. and the differences in views that emerged turned out to be a good reason to break off the once expensive, but now painful connection.

I see that this is a fairly frequent process - and it makes me think about connections again and again.

So many different processes are going on right now.

The pattern of our contacts and attachments is changing and will continue to change – both for those who left and for those who stay.

Being in Moscow, you automatically stretch out your hand - after all, until recently, at the distance of this very outstretched hand, there was a person here, alive and warm, and very important to you.

But now you can’t touch him, because he is hundreds of kilometers away.

Or here is another person who is physically here, and he may be quite alive and warm, but he says or does something that you cannot reach out to him, and there are hundreds of kilometers between you.

For example, the other day, in order to unwind, I went on a date there and got an interesting experience. Relaxing a little, my counterpart said that the SVO might be a mistake, but since they started, “you need to crush them, like they crush cockroaches.” I, on the contrary, immediately stopped relaxing, got up and answered: “It’s actually good that we cleared this up right away. But in general, I'm curious: do you understand what is monstrous - both what you are talking about and your choice of metaphors? There are people there." In response, he, as if wound up, repeated: “Let it be a bad metaphor, but still it is necessary to put pressure on it” - and I thought to what cannibalism a decently dressed person can agree, sitting in a decent restaurant. And I also thought what would happen if I followed the bodily reactions (and the physical reaction of disgust is nausea), and in this decent place I would turn out right on the tablecloth. She went to unwind, what to say.

The space of connections began to gape with holes, and people began to invent various ways of darning - suspecting that the holes would become more and more noticeable over time.

And they will become: those who leave, and those who stay - right now are getting a very different and at the same time very intense experience.

This experience will leave its marks on us, and perhaps reformat us so much that there will no longer be those grooves in which we matched with those who are dear.

Some bonds will inevitably dry up or break.

Not only because of the difference in experience.

What is happening (like any crisis - the birth of children, moving, illness, etc.) catalyzes the processes that occur between people.

For example, some couples harden when faced with difficulties, and their attachment only grows stronger. And some - on the contrary, break up. Why is this happening? One of the explanations is what we do with resentments, mistakes and misunderstandings that inevitably arise in any contact.​

When any crisis comes, the couple is left with the baggage that they have managed to accumulate. And if this baggage contains more pain and mistakes than good things experienced together, then there may not be enough resources to stay together.

And, accordingly, vice versa - if in a couple (not necessarily in a couple - in friendship or any other significant relationship) there is a lot of affection, respect and love, then it is likely that under the influence of trials, the relationship will only become stronger.​

In a way, connections are like the flowers we grow in our garden.

Every gardener knows - it does not happen that all the plants in the garden survive the winter.

Many will survive and even become stronger.

Some are bound to die.

And new ones will inevitably grow in their place.

​…In the meantime, you can watch the bizarre ways we use to stay connected.

People watch movies together - in different countries, but at the same time, and correspond with each other in a chat room about the heroes: “Lord, why did he go to this basement!”

They drink coffee, beer and cognac on Zoom.

Endlessly call up on video.

Describe their days in detail.

They say to themselves, trying to cheer up: “But look how many friends I now have in different countries.” Or "It won't be long, I'll definitely be back."

... And sometimes (and this is a paradox) in an attempt to keep in touch, people are silent.

That is, without explaining the reasons - they press the pause, as if they disappear from the contact, except sometimes they put likes under the photo. Because - "if we start to clarify some things now, we will quarrel and lose each other forever." Relatives, friends, even spouses sometimes pass over in silence some topics, because clarification can break the connection.​

Dark times highlight in unexpected ways that the bonds we weave are one of life's greatest treasures.

And if I additionally asked something from God (although I will carefully assume that I have everything I need), then I would say: Lord, let me be a good enough weaver.

... "We weavers are attentive to the creation of exchanges, to the creation of alliances that thicken the fabric.

The weaver is the one who cares more about the beauty of his present than about the blackness that is predicted to appear on the horizon.

Weavers are the ones who rely on the transformative power of action rather than the reassuring confirmation of thought.

Those who see the light in the midst of darkness, those who testify to the inner flame of others to burn, weave and weave.

Weavers are those who recognize virtues in an ocean of indifference.

The weave creates alliances and connections unexpected by the system, the weaver is a link hacker who knows no bounds of consumption, fear and unconsciousness.

How to develop tele-empathy? The ability to feel each other, communicate and share tele-empathically, going beyond matter.

Telepathy is ignited by the union between mind and heart, sensitivity and pitiless presence."

Miguel Burkart (translated from Spanish):

May those who are dear to us still be present in our lives.

May each of us have enough mind and heart to keep those connections that are dear to us, mourn those that are impossible to keep - and meet those that are coming ... "