Vera Polozkova: "For the first time in my life I was expecting a child that nobody needed but me"

“Over the past seven years, the year in which I did not give birth to anyone and did not feed anyone was one. A year and a half between pregnancies, feedings and everything else. That is, I have given the last seven years to offspring. When I still had time to skate in eighteen cities with performances, I don't really understand. It turned out so funny that with each new child I had a new program.

...We had a very strange marriage, it's good that it ended. But Sanya (Vera's first husband, bass-guitarist of her band Alexander Bgantsev, father of her two sons -ediitor's note) dad is cool, very good, I have no questions at all.

...We parted and did not tell anyone about it for a very long time. Because the children are very small and, fortunately, I am not such a secular figure who should explain why she appears somewhere without a husband.

For a long time we tried very hard to part, to part. We converged back, because everything is very difficult and bad, and it is difficult alone, and so on.

We broke up and I started a different relationship. They were impetuous. It immediately became clear to me that I again got on some wrong train, and when they crumbled a few months later, a month later I discovered that I was expecting a baby, seven weeks.

It was a very epic moment, because I was in Odessa at that moment, and I was left alone with two children.

And when you have two unstoppable boys, and one of them is four years old, and the other is one and a half, you sleep very badly. Because they do not sleep in a row, they must be laid - first one, and so that the other does not make noise. And I was quietly going crazy, I didn't have a nanny there.

And so I wonder why, on top of everything else, am I so physically ill? Maybe I'm just sick and have some kind of autoimmune disease?

We parted very abruptly, and that's all, and it became clear to me that in fact, probably, it should be so.

We parted without any drama. I just put an end to it, it became clear to me that everything was going on the same tracks, unfortunately. When you have not settled anything in yourself before the next relationship, you will still fit in ...Well, it is clear what I mean. These spirals are always the same.

Until you complete this lesson, nothing will change.

…We know that there are things that we would never do with other people. Well, relatively speaking, here you parted with a man and, let's say, not very well, but in a week you find out that he is in the hospital with a broken leg. If you have any rudiments of conscience, empathy, I don’t know, of course, you’ll come rushing in, bring something. Not because you hope to get something back. It's just something human.

And I was suddenly faced with the fact that this is simply not there. That is, if you decided so, then you simply are no longer there and I don't know you, I'm not going to help you with anything or somehow emotionally take you out, I'm not interested in anything about it.

It was very painful. For the first time in my life I was expecting a child who is not needed by anyone but me. Moms and girlfriends. Here there are girlfriends who are real men in my life. Who say: please don't cry, we can do anything.

We do not yet know that a pandemic is starting. This is the end of 2019. We do not know what will begin now and that now everyone will be out of work and everyone will not know what to feed.

I call Teona Kantridze and she tells me: “What my children will eat - your children will eat!”. And then I think: no, really, I will not be lost, it is not at all the same with me as it was with my mother, who was really a single mother.

She gave birth to me at forty, alone, she was not married, her parents had died by that time, she lived in a communal apartment on Malaya Bronnaya, worked in the 90s at three jobs to feed me. She was truly a single mother, there was not a single person behind her.

If she broke down, I would have remained a complete orphan, and no one would take me to him and no one would take care of me.

She had friends, but not at all of the rank and caliber to help her, financially or somehow.

She was already very mature. It was a different time. It was some kind of decisive strong-willed step. She also broke up with my father when she was pregnant.

I never spoke to him, he died when I was six years old. I have half-sisters on my father's side. We are very familiar with the youngest and so, dotted, we follow each other. I can't say that we see each other often. And the eldest was never introduced to me, according to her own, as they say, choice. Well, because we are the results of some big betrayal, the next children in his life.

I can't imagine it ... If I had the opportunity to meet my living sister... I saw the photographs, we are all very similar to each other, in childhood we are one child...".

The entire program featuring Vera Polozkova can be viewed here.